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Creating Anew

Something makes me falter. Hear my own heart beat. Thump, thump. Thumpthump. Th-thump.

My brain has done a skid-slide-stop at this point, to question myself- What if it was me?

What then?

This is what I have become, and I can say I love it- yes... Though I might be a little bit boring- Not partying, not wearing belly baring, nose flaring, sparkles glaring aloud- just me instead, but me and proud....

My hands find your cheeks, your crumbs, your smile... And I smile back, my teeth not quite perfect white, just light- from the coffee I drink, the things that I think, the nights with late snacks and scratches on backs... What is it that creates who we will become?

If I am now mostly a Mum and wife... where exactly was it that I left behind the other life? Have I evolved or just changed, am I still the same breath? Am I still the same laughter, same tears, and same jest? Will I live the same moments? Will I die the same death?

Would I have been me if I hadn't had you? If I hadn't met you?

I shudder at the thought of such a struggle... A redetermination, a misinterpretation, mixing up the pieces to see what can be made, fingers splayed aside like it's taken in stride, seen as a guide for a new, adventurous ride...

There's no need to hide- there is more, much more, to be taken, discovered, and life has only begun to rip back and uncover...
*********

Note: This is not my best work, so please don't judge as if it is... I'm just getting back on this ole' writing horse, and I'm finding I've lost my footing a bit. I believe soon the swing will come back and I will find that groove again...
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Comments

  1. Satsuki RebelApril 6, 2009 at 8:15 PM

    Judge it??? I LOVE this one too! I think every mom can relate to the thoughts and situations you described. Your words are honest. Instead of just talking about how amazing everything is you touched on some of those doubts and solitary reflections we hold. Motherhood really does change a person. It takes another mother to understand. Keep up the good work- It's a joy to read!

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousApril 7, 2009 at 7:33 AM

    Just stopping by from SITS to say hey!

    ReplyDelete

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