Patience and Perseverance

I feel like there's an anchor crushing my chest.

It's so hard to watch you going through this, to sit by your side and see you suffering, and know that there's nothing I can do to help ease this pain.

I can do what I am doing, and nothing more. Nothing more significant.

I can listen. I can plan. I can help, do more around the house. I can try to be patient.

But some days, like today, it gets hard.

This illness isn't just affecting you... It's all of us. I pray that once this is over, it's over for good. We can move on, be the happy little family that we are without worry that we might lose you sooner than expected...

Some days, like today, I feel crushed by the weight of this responsibility. I have to hear your complaints knowing that we can't yet make a move. I have to be strong, when what I would really like to do is go to the bathroom, sit on the floor, curl in a ball and sob. I have to hear it without getting angry, even though it's trying on me to have to listen, without response, because whatever response I give you is wrong... to let you vent your anger and frustration with me, and still try to know that it isn't AT me, that the anger is more fluid and all-consuming than that.

Some days, I'm not gonna lie... Some days, you just bring me down with this incessant stress, this incessant negativity, this incessant belief that you won't get to where you'd like to be. Some days, it's hard not to jump ship and just keep sailing. But I love you, I love us, and we are worth far more than that to me. I have promised to endure, and I will. I just wish you knew, when you were venting, that even though I put on a happy face for you, the stress of this is wearing me thin. It's battering my soul to a point that I feel myself being yanked by that undertow of sadness I've promised myself I would never fall into.

Some days I want to give in.

But I look at what we've created, this little smile, this little dirty-fingered, bouncy, giggling girl who is not a princess!! and I know that the choices we've made are right.

Times are hard right now. Health-wise, job-wise, stress-wise... Our life is complex and scary, and we are still trying to attain our goals. But please know, no matter how hard it gets, I do love you. More than you know. I am here for us, for our dreams, for our future. No matter what it takes.

There is a girl waiting for you in her prom dress. She needs you to be there to tell her how beautiful she is, and to send her off with your blessings and a sharp warning grumbled at her date. Patience and perseverance are all it takes to get there.

There is a career on the horizon, waiting for you. Waiting for you to overcome all you've been through and prove to yourself that you can be what you've dreamed. To believe in yourself and make it happen. Patience and perseverance are all it takes to get there...