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Treading

My life
dripping
Seeping out the edges, seams coming unraveled
Faster, faster.

I'm trying
not to sink. To keep treading water, keep floating up
Kick, kick, kick.
Staying happy, staying at the surface
Being there. Setting a good example.
Life goes on.
Protect my babies and pretend
I'm not so sad.

Happiness is really elusive.
What I thought it was has vanished and I know now
I know
that it wasn't ever truly there the way I wanted.
It was a mirage
The way I wanted things to be so I just kept
treading, treading water
Walking lightly
Ignoring fights
Brushing, sweeping under the rug
Always forgetting.

Always forgetting.

And now it's so hard not to forget...
To want to forget
To think it was okay, to wish
you could have been what I needed, what I wanted, what I told myself you were
for more than half my life...
I was treading, treading water
Pretending this was more
Ignoring my own feelings and now
I don't know who I am anymore.

But I will keep treading
these three babies need me
And they need me happy
They need me okay
They need safe, they need comfort, they need to know life goes on
And they can be happy.
And life will go on.

Someday, I might be happy.
Someday I'll learn to swim.

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