Sprout

Sprout,
You are growing up so fast.
I feel like lately, I have nothing else
to write
to think upon
to wonder about
but you and your exponential growth.
It seems like
every moment
is so fleeting, so gone so fast,
so beyond my grasp when we were RIGHT THERE
just one minute ago. One second ago, you were just a thought...

I remember, sprout
holding my belly
when times were tough, and we didn't know
How we would make this work...
We just knew we would.
Because you were coming, and it was all up to us.

The fight, the struggle, it meant more since you would be here
Your Mommy- crying, I remember,
couldn't find a job, pounding my head wondering why all of a sudden
a growing bump meant I wasn't a good enough secretary
I would be out for so long, so soon, nobody wanted it.
My degree may as well have been a crumb,
I offered it out but it was not taken-
Not accepted.
I felt rotted, wronged, failed and failing... I wanted to do what I needed to for you-
but nobody would give me a chance.

I remember
feeling guilty when I bought you
your first outfit, I bought you
a little santa suit for Christmas
I got it in the summer- on clearance-
and still felt bad
even though
it was only a few dollars...
We were hurting, we needed that money for food
but I needed to know
That there was a future with you.
That I could provide for you and make you happy
That I would see you that Christmas and you would know
just how much we loved you, no matter how hard
life would get.

I remember your Daddy, so worried,
and we fought a lot- he stressed
about being our sole provider... Can't blame him.
We lived so far, far away- almost in Neverland-
from our family- you know, the ones who make you laugh?
The ones whose names you sing in song, in tune to "Twinkle, twinkle"?
They weren't near us, and Mommy was scared.
I wanted so badly for you to know them, sprout.
We were proud and wanted to be able to say
"We made the RIGHT choice!"
But in my heart, I knew it wasn't.
Running away never is.

I remember, sprout,
I whispered to you at night, knowing you didn't
comprehend
but still feeling better to tell you that it would be okay,
I would do whatever it takes.
You were my world before you even fully came to be.
I would have gone to the ends of the earth, to the roots of life,
ripped them apart,
planted them anew, created a new universe
for you. Just for you.

I would have torn it violently like a weed if it wasn't what you wanted. I would have started over.

One day, we woke up, and he was gone. The other roommate. Without even paying his part.
We had nothing. We had not enough money to get back to our true home, or to pay our rent.
We had worries, plenty of those...
We had fear, too much of that.
We had family on the phone, saying just come home...
And your Daddy hurt his ankle... And your Mommy cried some more.
But you know what we did, sprout?

We went. We took EVERY little bit that we had, our last pennies to get that Uhaul truck.

We went back to our roots.

Back where it all began. We went back to the nest, your Cey-cey lovingly taking us in.
We went back, feeling like failures, but knowing that if it made life easier for us, for you,
we were triumphant.
In the end, we WERE triumphant.
We went back, living in one room in a basement when you were born. We squished and scrimped, made room for your pack and play... Your toys and the beautiful clothes that we couldn't afford, but everyone else blessed us with because they were so excited to see you
Come to be.
We spent that time, wishing, hoping, waiting for new opportunities.

We loved each other.

We found a place.
We began fresh.
We started anew.
And all because of you.

Sprout, you helped your Mommy and Daddy find the way.
You reminded me where I belonged...
You opened these doors for us and swung them wide open.
You taught me how to smile again and to never, ever, give up.

And now, sprout, I hope to hand you those things right back.
Little seeds of wisdom, planted,
things you already know deep down, even being so little-
Your home, and where it is.
Your family, and who they are... How they will always, ALWAYS be there for you
How they'll lift you up, take you in, hold you close when you need it.
How they'll support you, hold you up like a trellis
Let you know that you cannot fall...
Because your roots are so deep, and they were planted with love.